the biology of belonging

We often act like we are totally separate from each other, but prior to any "I/me" thinking — my problems, my preferences, my story — your nervous system was part of a "we" (thank you, moms everywhere).  Belonging isn't just cute family pictures or getting into the right club: belonging is biological.  And giving the topic more attention might be helpful. 

Which is exactly what I accidentally did this week, attending two stunningly WOW conferences.  Though topically different, they were substantively about how very "we" we are.  Each highlighted our interconnectedness, which, of course, directed me right back to our amazing brains...

James Coan, neuroscientist extraordinaire, has been known to study connectedness in the context of its absence.  He explains that when our brain is alone, it demands hyper-vigilance of itself, knowing there's only the one body around to protect it.  But when other brains in bodies are around, it can chill.  From this idea, he developed Social Baseline Theory with David Sbarra, which demonstrates that our brains expect relationships to involve "interdependence, shared goals, and joint attention."  (I really love the "joint attention" part!)

One of his experiments, an oldie but goodie, is The Hand Holding Experiment.  Professor Coan fMRI'd the brains of women who were told they might be zapped with a mild electric shock.  Some held their husband's hand, some held the hand of a male stranger, and the last group had no hand to hold.  The researchers discovered that the women holding their husband's hand showed much calmer activity in the threat response part of their brains.  The stranger's hand was a bit brain-helpful.  And, the neural response to "threat cues was greatest in the no-hand condition."

So, when we feel connected, our brains turn down the threat radar.  This is a big deal for several reasons.  First, loneliness can change what our brains focus on.  Thanks to Drs. John and Stephanie Cacioppo, founders of "social neuroscience," we know that when our brains experience lonely-stress, they up their vigilance for social threat, which changes attention and stress-related physiological processes.  Lonely folks are more likely to seek signs that people don't like them: a tone of voice, an un-responded-to text, etc. can turn into "evidence" of not belonging.  

John Cacioppo explained how to look at loneliness in a helpful way: "Hunger takes care of your physical body.  Loneliness takes care of your social body."  When we're hungry, we never say, "Wow, I'm bad at being human."  Instead we say, "Hmmm, what should I have for dinner?"  Because, after all, hunger is information that something is missing.  According to Caccioppo, loneliness does the same thing, signaling our body that something is missing.  There's no failure here, just info.  That response really changes how a brain responds.

Part of Cacioppo's work illustrated that belonging isn't only about receiving, but about giving, too.  He said, "Avoiding loneliness is not about 'getting,' not about being a recipient."  To be true to our connected, belonging selves, we need to give, be useful, matter to someone.  Again, we see neurological evidence that volunteering and caring for others is good for us.  It's part of the equation. 

I'll continue connectedness and belonging next week, but til then, look for connection and belonging!  You'll be more likely to experience more of it.